It could be worse, it could be raining....

Here we go!!

2009-08-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

Two weekends left before the girls start school. One weekend left before I go back to work. I've basically already been back to work. Two days of training this last week, working in my classroom - the same old drill.

As usual, I'm excited about getting back into routine. Bailie made the tennis team, has all her classes, her locker, her student Id and is ready to roll. Kate has her schedule, figured out how to pen her locker, has all her supplies - including new uniforms - and is ready to roll. Now I just need to be ready. I'll get there - I just need to quit obsessing.

Our last doctor's appt for the summer is today for Kate. We've done all the other regular check-ups this summer and hopefully won't need to see any more doctors for a while.

Speaking of doctors - I took Bailie to an allergist this summer for this weird pollen/oral allergy thing she has. (She gets a rash in her mouth from certain fruits that are tied to a birch pollen allergy...) While there I started talking to the doc about my hives and they had some ideas.
So I made an appointment for myself and am currently hive free! I am taking A LOT of medication which doesn't thrill me, but time will tell if being hive free is worth the sort of druggy feeling I have. I'm functioning fine, I just don't like the dry nose, weird feelings of antihistamines.
However - I am hive free!!! I haven't been able to say that in over two years.

I've been doing Bikhram yoga - I went 6 times in 7 days but haven't been back the last two. I really liked it, but now life is getting in the way. Funny how that happens. :-)

I'm trying to get past the "panicky" feeling I have about working full time. I feel this desperate need to complete everything before school starts - like I won't have after school or weekends to get things done. I just need to breathe.... maybe I should stick with yoga.....

BLS (Buy Less Stuff)

2009-07-14T06:53:00.001-07:00

I was just reading a blog I follow - Money and Happiness. She talked about how we need to buy less stuff. We've been living by that motto - that is until I found out I had my own classroom this year. I have felt justified in spending 100's of dollars on "stuff" for my classroom. I don't want students walking into a room with blank walls and no color! I have been somewhat frugal about things. I started my search at thrift stores and found some great deals - like a fabulous chair for my reading area for only $15.00! However, some things can only be found at the Teacher Aid Store which costs an arm and a leg! I'm sure if I had been more patient I would have been able to appeal to all the friends I teach with to share the things they've been collecting over the years but no longer use. But, as most of my friends and family know, patience is not one of MY virtues. So, was I justified in that spending? I'm not sure. I will save the receipts for taxes. My students will have a warm and welcoming room on the first day of school which research shows will improve their attitude toward learning - I'm molding the leaders of tomorrow right? This is important stuff! :-)
I'm slowing down now, balancing the check book brought me back to reality. I'm going to the websites that the Money and Happiness blogger suggested - like freecycle. (Have any of you ever used that?)
For everyday family expenses, I've been a little off track too. It's summer - it's difficult to not hemorrhage money. Trying to find activities that keep the kids happy etc. I know - Laura Ingalls managed to have fun on the prairie with out money - but this aint the prairie! We play cards, take bike rides, go to the library... we find inexpensive things to do but it isn't easy. I suppose it will have to get easier if we run out of money! :-( We make the girls pay for their own "extras" - like the Harry Potter t-shirts they HAD to have to wear to the midnight movie tonight. Oh yea, the midnight movie. Am I completely insane? I don't stay up past 9:00 most nights and tonight I will be waiting in line at 9:00 for a movie that starts at midnight!!
But, once again, I digress. The Money and Happiness blogger said that changing a brain to be frugal is like working out. I have to work that muscle -"Is this a need or a want?" until it becomes fit and a natural part of who I am. I'm trying - but again, my friends and family know that I suck at working out!
Sooooo, I guess it's good I'll be working full time to help pay for that classroom! (Does anyone else see the irony?)

Phew! Summer if flying by....

2009-07-09T06:44:00.001-07:00

I say it every year. I know it's going to happen. Yet still, every year, I find myself in shock over the fact that summer is already half over! It certainly hasn't been slow or boring this year. I think I've only slept in one day. (That was until 8:30 - that's sleeping in for me!)

Bailie has had lots of tennis - she starts practicing with the high school team today - she's nervous and excited. She's been babysitting a lot too. She has her 4-H camp counselor job starting a week from Sunday and there have been several meetings and orientations to attend.

Kate's summer has been less eventful, but no less fun. She went to Ashland with my parents for over a week and I've been taking her to RockSport to feed her new rock climbing passion. We've been slowly looking for school uniform clothes - she's starting to see how much easier these uniforms will make her mornings. I can't believe my baby is going to be in middle school!

The girls and Dan are taking a trip to visit his mom this weekend. I'm taking that opportunity to try and get the bulk of my classroom finished so I can focus on planning for the rest of the summer. I leave for Chicago on the 22nd to work for Corporate Kids Events for 5 days. Then we go to the cabin for a week's vacation. Dan has big plans for that week - mine are to sit on the deck and watch the trees grow - we'll have to find a happy medium I guess. I'm sure we'll get hiking and kayaking in. Dan has horseback riding, fishing, swimming and many other things on his list.

The days flying by this summer are reminding me yet again about stopping and taking a breath. I start to feel so overwhelmed with all there is to do and how fast time is going . If I just stop and
breath - feel the moment - all that goes away. Yesterday I took the time to just watch B and K have a conversation. I realized how rarely I just stop and see how tall they've gotten, how mature they are now, how kind they can be to each other and the genuine love they feel, how beautiful they are inside and out. Of course then they saw me staring and started giving me a bad time so that was the end of that! :-)

Class of 2K9

2009-07-05T20:14:00.001-07:00

Full time and all that

2009-06-30T07:41:00.001-07:00

So I got the news last week that I will be teaching full time in the fall. YAY! I will desperately miss teaching with Katie Senn but fortunately I'll be just across the hall so we can just stretch the umbilical cord instead of cutting it completely. We may be back together next year depending on the budgets - we are only guaranteed this full time for this year. Next year we could be back to 1/2 time.

In the meantime, I have a classroom to prepare. It's been many years since I've had to fill my own classroom with decorations and supplies - so it's thrift store time! I'll be out looking for book shelves, posters, books etc. I gave all that away when I left teaching to stay home with the girls all those years ago. When I came back, I took over for another teacher who left all her supplies and then I taught with Katie who already had everything..... It's going to be fun though. Getting a classroom ready for the start of school is so exciting for me. That was one of the things I missed the most when I stopped teaching.

I have to be careful not to lose my summer in the excitement of preparing for the year. We still have 4th of July at the cabin and then our week's vacation there a couple weeks later. We're also going to North Star for a few days and I head to Chicago on July 23rd for a 4 days to work a program for Corporate Kids Events. I'm reading the Stone Diaries for book club and need to be sure to take the time to relax and read!

Our summer ends pretty early because of high school tennis for Bailie. Clearance day is August 6 and tryouts start the 17th....

I'm still busy being on the board of the Sierra School of Performing Arts. I love all the people I work with on that board. It's a great organization and I feel proud to be part of it.

I leave today to pick up Kate. She's been in Ashland, Ore with my parents having the time of her life. I'm sure it's going to be an adjustment being back to boring old home! :-) I've really missed her - can't wait to have back.

Soooo, I'm so relieved to be making full time pay this year - it will take some of the pressure off our finances. How lucky am I to be making money doing something I love so much? (Remind me I said that during CRT testing and the other stressful times during the school year. :-) )

Family Fun

2009-06-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

We took my dad to and Ace's game last night. We really had a great time. They did a wonderful job with that stadium and make it a wonderful family activity. There are draw backs like parking and ticket prices but really a lot of fun. It was cold so I was hivey but the fun was worth it. They went into extra innings and won with a home run at the end. Then they had fireworks! Kate had a blast. My dad was impressed with the stadium - fun was had by all. Kate even caught a ball that came into the stands!

Today we work on covering the wall paper on our bathroom walls.... how's that for family fun?

So many celebrations, so little time :-)

2009-06-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

So we started with Bailie's 8th grade award's night - great fun - Bailie earned several awards and she looked beautiful.

Next we had Kate's 6th grade celebration - which was also very nice. We got Kate to wear a dress! She was beautiful as always as well.

Last, but certainly not least, we had Dan's 50th birthday! We had a night alone at the cabin then my parents and the girls joined us the next day. We put together Dan's present - a pontoon boat - then played games, took a walk and just had a nice time.

We came home in time on Sunday to go to Dan's favorite restaurant- The Santa Fe.

We had the traditional wearing of the new underwear on the heads! (Started when the girls were toddlers.)

They were doing their "model" pose here - not pouting about wearing the underwear.

My parents have been here for all the craziness of end of school and the celebrations. It has been great that they could not only participate in all of it, but also help me keep it together. There was so much going on and I was trying to end the year with my 4th graders which has all its own craziness. My parents have been great - making dinners, doing laundry, keeping the house picked up, running the girls around... but best of all, having them close by to be part of it all. I hope they sell their house in Ashland soon so they can move here full time.

My parents also took the girls for a visit with their Uncle Garen (my brother), Aunt Susan and their cousin Sam. They had story after story to tell about "Sam said this... then he did this... then he said this...." Don't they look related? --->

Now we are enjoying our summer break. Bailie and Nana are in Santa Cruz for a couple of days. Kate, Grandpa, Dan and I are going to an Ace's game on Friday night. After all the go, go, go, we are trying to accept some down time. This isn't always easy - the girls start to expect constant entertainment. I'm guessing we can get there though.... :-)

Trying to practice what I preach

2009-05-31T07:50:00.001-07:00

So I post all those wonderful quotes from Pema Chodron then have an event happen that makes me realize how hard it is to practice what I preach. (Or what Chodron preaches! :-)) I was asked to write an article - I wrote it. Someone else edited it - A LOT - with out telling me and it was sent to print. Now the final article was fine - it just wasn't my article. At first I was furious. Then I realized it was just my ego that was pissed. Someone didn't think my article was good enough so it was changed. That's a blow to my ego for sure. There is the principle of the thing though, when I write for other publications, there are always edits, but the editors ALWAYS let me know they've made the edits so I'm not blind sided when I read the article.

Is any of this a big deal? Not really. It's just a lesson for me in what makes me angry and what's really worth getting angry about. After being mad and thinking of hundreds of inappropriate ways of showing my anger :-0, I'm now just letting it go. (at this moment anyway)

Overcoming self-deception

2009-05-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

One more from Pema Chodron:
"The essence of bravery is being without self-deception. However it is not so easy to take a straight look at what we do. Seeing ourselves clearly is initially uncomfortable and embarrassing. As we train in clarity and steadfastness, we see things we'd prefer to deny- judgementalness, pettiness, arrogance. These are not sins but temporary and workable habits of mind. The more we get to know them, the more they lose their power. This is how we come to trust that our basic nature is utterly simple, free of struggle between good and bad. "

We can help this troubled world

2009-05-28T06:05:00.000-07:00

Quote from Pema Chodron for today:
"We all have the inborn wisdom to create a wholesome, uplifted existence for ourselves and others. We can think beyond our own little cocoon and try to help this troubled world. Not only will our friends and family benefit, but even our 'enemies' will reap the blessings of peace. If these teachings make sense to us, can we commit to them? In these times, do we really have a choice? Do we have the options of living in unconscious self-absorption? When the stakes are high, do we have the luxury of dragging our feet?"

Just stop it already

2009-05-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

I am guilty of this, so I'm not judging, but people need to lighten up! I know for my profession, a lot of this is the time of year. Everyone is stressed, the to-do lists are long, the students are ready for summer - it's just a crazy time. Everywhere I go lately, someone is angry about something - usually over here say. This makes me crazy! Arguments over how the 6th graders should graduate, over how they should dress for their swim party yada yada yada. Life is so short. Will these things matter a few years from now? (Even a few days from now?) Is it important for children to earn rewards or should they understand the intrinsic value of doing their best? Do we worry that 6th graders are showing too much skin and creating lust in prepubescent boys? Really?

I know I've done this - it's easier to get all riled up about these little things rather than deal with other issues. (or the lack of issues for those who love drama) We learn as parents to pick our battles - I think we need to learn that as human beings. What is worth getting really angry about - worth making phone calls, writing letters or complaining to anyone who will listen? I would think some things certainly are and the value of those things would vary from person to person - but sheesh! I guess I'm defeating my message getting so angry over other's anger. It's just so darned easy to get caught up - to ride the wave before you realize you're on the boat. My goal is to catch my self and get off the boat before it's too late....

If you feel it, Say it

2009-05-15T05:52:00.001-07:00

The last few days were one when other people made me feel good. Now I know, we're supposed to feel good from the inside out - it doesn't matter what other people say. But let's face it - we're human and it matters. My recent weight loss has led to many compliments - which I most definitely enjoy - but we all know how short lived weight loss can be. :-) I've been skinny, I've been fat - I suspect I'll be both over and over through the years like I have been my whole life.

The moments that have made me feel good the last few days though, are the ones when people took the time to care, or to tell me the affect I've had on their life or their child's life. Everyone who knows me, knows I love to be the center of attention - I admit it. (Sometimes I wonder if that's why I manifested these hideous hives into my life - maybe they would go away if I stopped talking about them to anyone who will listen....) But, something goes much deeper when a person who doesn't know you well, or who doesn't need to take the time to share a thought - takes the time to say a kind word.

I try to do that with others - but the last few days have been a lesson to me. It doesn't matter if I know a person, or even if I'm a big fan of them, I'm going to take the time to share a positive thought or let them know the ways they have touched my life positively.

Great Mother's Day

2009-05-10T17:28:00.001-07:00

What a wonderful day! My daughters made me this adorable video. They rapped, talked, filmed the animals and pretended to have them talk, put in pictures - it was incredibly sweet. Then we all went to the garden shops and got all our planting for our garden and a few other areas in the back yard. We spent all day planting - I can't wait to see what we get out of our expanded garden this year!

It has been incredibly warm the last couple days - YAY! No serious hives, just a few in the mornings and evenings. We went to our first Aces game yesterday. SO MUCH FUN! Very family oriented and just a great way to spend the afternoon.

Feeling like I got my Vitamin D this weekend with all the sun - finally!

Keep Going

2009-04-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

My grandmother had a sign on her kitchen table (now it sits in my aunt's kitchen window) that if I remember correctly it said "Keep going" or "Keep moving" something like that. It was a reminder that no matter what is happening to just keep keeping on. I thought of that yesterday. I've been waiting for blood test results for over a week. The test was for a variety of things - the least of which was rheumatoid arthritis. (Which my grandmother was crippled with)
The worst of the possibilities was some sort of cancer with a very long name. Certainly I wanted the test to be negative, but I also wanted a reason for all my ailments. I finally got the call yesterday that the test was negative. I was relieved - then frustrated. I know spiritually speaking that I don't need to know what is causing this - I just need it to go away. I need to release it and be well. BUT, can I get better if it isn't discovered what's causing it?

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself - again - when I read Kristin's blog. I've written about her before, she's been battling cancer for over a year. Besides trying to regain her health and having to worry about every small ailment and what it might mean, she has girls in the hall at school making fun of her walk. (Her step has been affected by treatment) Once again, the universe has found a way to put things in perspective for me.

B has her first track meet of this year today - looking forward to it. K's team won yet another soccer game last weekend. This weekend they have two - looking forward to those as well.

Getting my hair cut today - thinking about a big change. I need to shake things up......

Weekend away

2009-04-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

What a fabulous weekend! It was warm enough for me to hike (mostly warm enough, only few hives) and we talked, laughed, talked then laughed some more. We did a little shopping, had some great food - solved all the world's problems.... :-)

There are people in the world who enjoy more time alone than with people - I am not one of those people. While I do cherish having time to be alone and just be - the time I have with friends and family is more rewarding and fulfilling than I can describe. After a weekend with these amazing, brilliant and insightful women, I feel intellectually and spiritually stimulated.

I'm so lucky and grateful! Sometimes it takes this time away to remember how grateful I am for my family too. (And for the friends who were able to keep the girls for the weekend so I could do this and Dan could travel to a funeral.) My life is so full - my support system strong - as it says on my cabin wall, "Life is GOOD!"

Easter and all that

2009-04-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

Home again. Had a great trip to Ashland, Ore. Enjoyed family and all the cute shops they have there. While away we learned our dog is an escape artist who kept our neighbors busy. Fortunately we have good neighbors who want to rescue him. I wanted to tell them to just call the pound! :-)

Saw these questions in a magazine - thought others may like them. They are questions to ask your mother (With Mother's Day approaching) -

1) What is the one thing you would have done differently as a mom?
2) Why did you choose to be with dad?
3) In what ways do you think I’m like you? And not like you?
4) Which one us kids did you like the best?
5) Is there anything you have always wanted to tell me but never have?
6) Do you think it’s easier or harder to be a mother now than when you were raising us?
7) Is there anything you regret not having asked YOUR parents?
8) What is the best thing I can do for you right now?
9) Is there anything you wish had been different between us – or that you would still like to change?
10) When did you realize that you were no longer a child?

I sent them to my mom - thought the answers would be interesting....

Off to the doctor - AGAIN - feeling discouraged about the hives. Trying to keep things in perspective....

Boston/Perspective/Respect

2009-04-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Boston. I worked a program for my brother's company - Corporate Kids Events. We did a "Children's Camp" for the NTSAD conference. If you get a chance, check out their website - NTSAD.org. These families are dealing or have dealt with the loss of their children from Tay Sachs disease or one of the many allied diseases. Our camp was for the "healthy siblings" who showed me what true compassion is. They were all amazing kids who are dealing with issues children their age shouldn't know about. I came home with a renewed gratitude for my life - and a new respect for what parents of ill children deal with minute by minute.

Home and facing the reality of every day life. My to-do list is longer than my arm, checking it off one by one....

My older daughter turns 14 tomorrow. How did that happen so fast? Crazy!

Check this out

2009-03-25T06:51:00.001-07:00

Okay - watched the funniest or saddest depending on your mood - but entertaining none-the-less. It's economy stuff with John Stewart. I found it on a blog I follow - so I'll give you the blog address:http://www.moneyandhappiness.com/blog/?p=162 The John Stewart/Daily Show video is there. Kind of long - but worth the watch....

Back to normal

2009-03-22T17:36:00.001-07:00

We had a good weekend. Lots of "to dos" checked off the list, a dinner out with my husband, a fun afternoon with the girls.... I was a little cranky to start and Dan asked me why. I said I felt controlled lately - controlled by the girls' schedule, controlled by work, controlled by all the things needing to done around the house, controlled by my diet.....
He looked at me and said, "maybe you should be enjoying each moment more." I almost wet my pants laughing. He was right but how funny to have him point it out to me. It was just the reminder I needed - yet again.

I threw out all my larger pants today. Kind of fun - but scary too - that means I have to keep eating healthy..... It was a bad hive weekend, so I'm hoping the ceremonially tossing of the pants will keep me focused. :-)

It snowed, then it was sunny, it snowed again, then was sunny again - kind of a metaphor for life don't you think? (Is metaphor the right word? - You know what I mean!)

Well....

2009-03-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

So the doctor now thinks that I'm under too much stress (who isn't?) and that the stress is stressing my kidneys which is stressing my liver which is causing an increase in my hives and skin sensitivity. He doesn't think I have a virus or any allergies - and he thinks my yeast levels are looking low. (He does all this with this machine and me holding something in my hand while he touches all the different pressure points.) I kind of had a feeling it was stress - it IS typical for hives to get worse when a person prone to them is under stress. BUT, it is also getting harder and harder to have faith that things are going to change.

I don't want to give up because I don't want to live with this for any longer than I already have. I also know that even though the hives aren't 100% better I feel so much better every where else. Like I've said before, I have more energy, my skin is better, overall just better. Sooo, for now I'll just keep plugging along and see what happens. I'm taking the new herbs for kidney and liver, sticking with my Threelac for yeast and staying on the healthy eating path.... I'm trying to be all organic now too, which I didn't start out with. It's hard because it isn't cheap, but I figure keeping any extra toxins out of my body can't hurt....Plus, my family if on board with most of it - so they are benefiting too.

Then I need to think about the stress part - I need to get back to meditating and finding some balance. It's tough worrying about money, taking care of your family, doing a good job at work, doing a good job with the things I volunteer for and then remembering to take time for me. Not that I'm not like 98% of women out there - how does everyone else find the balance? Is it just refusing to get stressed and doing it?

My friend Gretchen said to me yesterday, "I put it in perspective like this, if we all end up in a cramped apartment or trailer with out all the 'things' -we have our health and we have each other so what's the point in worrying." She's right and it's perspective of which I needed to be reminded. I forget that this stress is about "things." We have enough money to eat and clothe ourselves. We have enough to keep a roof over our heads. That's all we NEED. The wants will come again, I just hope when they do that I remember now and how much we really can live with out and still be perfectly happy.

On a less whiny note - today is pj day in my class -YAY! I'm wearing pj's and slippers, bringing a good book to read and sitting with my class and reading all morning! How can I complain? :-)

Dr. Tomorrow

2009-03-18T17:43:00.001-07:00

I see the doctor tomorrow - we'll see what he says. Hives have been better the last couple days but I feel like crud - headache, runny nose, bad tummy.....

Everyone keeps telling me how skinny I look though - isn't it gross that that supersedes anything else for me?

Hives UGH!

2009-03-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well, the hives are back and I'm, well, PISSED! They were never totally gone and I don't think they're as bad as they have been - but they are definitely worse than they have been in several weeks. I'm hoping our predicted warming trend will keep them from getting too horrendous.

I've been "cheating" a little bit - bites of sweet things here and there, not sure if that is it, or if the yeast is just fighting back with a vengeance. So, I'm back to hard core no cheating. It makes me cranky and I dream about eating boxes of girl scout cookies - literally, in my dreams I am eating girl scout cookies everywhere - I'm hiding in closets, eating them in my car, like a total bulimic binge. Maybe getting it out in my sleep will keep me faithful in my waking hours.

Heading to my friend Suzy's book signing in just a few minutes - so excited to see her basking(sp?) in the glow of her success. She's worked so hard! Then I get to impress my class next week when she comes for an author visit at our school - they think I'm pretty special knowing these authors. (so do I!)

Tonight it is our school's Spring Social - which I have to admit - I'm dreading. I don't do these things well and since I'm off of alcohol still, it could be even more difficult. I need to find a better attitude before I go! I'll work on that.....

Still longing for some "girl time" with my friends - seems like it's been too long and when we do get together it is too brief. I'll get some alone time in two weeks when I head to Boston, but it's not the same as laughing hysterically over nothing and bonding over things only female friends can bond over.....

Find time to be in the moment today - breath in, out, find your inner smile....

facebook or no facebook - that is the question

2009-03-11T06:53:00.000-07:00

Okay- I did it. I started a facebook page. I'm not sure how I feel about it - especially since I received over 30 emails the first night. I've reconnected with people I haven't talked with in years! Found out about babies, new towns and living arrangements. I connected with relatives that I talk with but now wonder if we'll stay even more connected....

I discovered that you can instant chat with them right there on the page. It's convenient to do that and easier to sign off than it would be to hang up a phone when it's time to go - but showing my age, I have to say I don't understand why we don't just pick up the phone and talk....

The pictures are fun too - seeing people and their families - sharing my own photos. I have to ask myself though- do I really need to be spending even more time on the computer?

On other notes - glad to hear that my friend Kari does not have cancer, nor does my friend Amanda. I was worried about both, so glad to hear they are well.

I call the realtor today to decide on our asking price for the cabin - makes me sick to my stomach - but it has to be done.

My hives are back stronger than usual - soooo frustrating. I'm not giving up though and do believe they will go away. (I don't know when or how, but they WILL go away....)

I'm going to Boston in a few weeks to work a program for my brother's company - Corporate Kids Events. Looking forward to it - a little nervous about flying alone, I haven't been on a plane in a couple of years..... but I will bring a couple of good books and enjoy the time. Maybe I'll bring a notebook and actually do some writing. I haven't dedicated any time to that in a long, long while....

Eckhart Tolle's 10 steps to happiness

2009-03-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

I was just reading this and thinking that with what everyone is going through right now, it might be a good time to read this and feel some happiness from the inside out.....

"Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it."

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, "I am ruined" is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. "I have 50 cents left in my bank account" is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering."

"See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought. Whenever you notice that voice, you will also realize that you are not the voice, but the one who is aware of it. In fact, you are the awareness that is aware of the voice. In the background, there is the awareness. In the foreground, there is the voice, the thinker. In this way you are becoming free of the ego, free of the unobserved mind."

"Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time—a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared with your face in a photo taken 30 years ago—yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment."

"Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering."

"People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time."

"The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again."

"Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily."

"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge."

"If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace."

Exerpted from Oneness with All Life by Eckhart Tolle. Copywright © 2008 by Eckhart Tolle

Grateful and Positive (or working at it anyway)

2009-03-05T18:52:00.000-08:00

Well - life is constantly changing in this house. Currently, our cabin - our wonderful get away - is on the market. Reality is setting in and we need to be practical. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity for a bigger and better cabin down the road - one we can retire to. It breaks my heart for Dan - that cabin was a dream come true for him - but it will happen again.

So we're staying put in this house - working on fixing the things we don't like and making it home. (about time - we've only lived here 8 years!)

I was talking to a friend today who said she's having a difficult time staying positive - I understand what she's saying, but still think it's so important to try to find the positives. The more negative we wallow in, the more negative we bring in. There are people worrying about their next meal - I'm just worried about a second home. We are incredibly lucky and just working to be smart so we can stay above water.

Went to the doctor today - things are still looking good with the hives. They are still around, which is very frustrating, but I'm feeling so good otherwise. I've lost 19 pounds - that of course feels wonderful - but I have energy and control over things - it feels good.

The girls are great - B won her first volleyball game of this season today and won the 8th grade science fair. K just finished her CRT's and is sure she "aced" them. :-) She was in a strings performance last night with her cello and "conditioning" with her team for the upcoming soccer season.

Keeping my fingers crossed that everyone around me - all the people we know and love - remain above water. The news is so depressing - maybe we should all just stop watching it.

It's a NO GO.

2009-02-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

So we went to Loyalton today and LOVED the house. It's really a great spot and the owners are wonderful people. But then we went to the schools. We just didn't get a good feeling there. The middle school is three portables on the elementary school playground. The high school is one hallway with lockers falling off the walls. Even after that we still spent time talking about making it work, but in the end, the pros just don't outweigh the cons. This has been a great experience though and got us talking about important things.
We will begin a search for a house here in Nevada - one that feels like the home we are looking for... some land, space for a big garden and maybe some animals, not a big house - just a home.
Thanks for all the support and words of wisdom!

Talked to the schools

2009-02-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

I called the schools in Loyalton today - NICE people! The secretary at the middle school has a daughter exactly Kate's age..... made appointments to see the schools tomorrow. All of a sudden I'm nervous and nauseous... could be good - could be bad.......

This and That

2009-02-18T16:53:00.001-08:00

Tax meeting tomorrow - ick!
Go to see the house in Loyalton on Friday - Yay!
No school work tomorrow or Friday - Yay!
Trying to find a way to have a free mom/wife sabbatical - I need a break from it all! (pity party!)
Miss my friends! boo hoo
Miss alcohol and sugar! (pity party times 2)
Glad to have a job, a house, a husband and two healthy daughters! Yay!

THE PRODUCTION

2009-02-16T09:47:00.001-08:00

The final show of Broadway Bits 2009 was yesterday! Bailie was a fabulous stage manager and Kate was a wonderful Marci. The whole show was really great. It was all consuming - but when you watch the final production it all seems worth it. (Even though there are times I doubted that when I was pulling my hair out!)

There is a really feeling of belonging with this group of people - not only for the kids but for me as well.

It was an experience worth having - not all are - so I'm cherishing it and I know the girls are too.

Food experiment update

2009-02-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

Just an update on the food experiment and my hives. My hives have decreased dramatically - making me a believer. I've lost a total of 12 pounds - most of this in the first two weeks. I'm holding steady now - but expect that to keep going down but at a healthier rate. I must confess that on Friday after being faithful for a whole month - I ate LOTS of Valentine's candy. Then Saturday I ate ice cream and yesterday I ate pizza!!!! However - I am bag on track with a vengeance today. I suffered miserably for my sins. Again - proof that sugar and dairy are not my friends.

Before my leap off the wagon though - I have to say - I have never felt better. My skin is looking healthy again, my hives have decreased to the point that I rarely notice them, my head is clearer, I have energy and my life is not centered around food. (well, not as much anyway) The doctor gave me permission to have the occasional cup of coffee with unsweetened soy milk and the occasional glass of very dry red wine. This was so exciting at first - but I'm not really taking advantage of that as much as I thought I would. Oh, and I had my first buckwheat pancakes a couple weekends ago and I have to say they were pretty good! :-)

No new news on moving - we will be looking at the house this Friday..... still feeling skeptical about dealing with the issues in California - but not sure they are any worse than Nevada's issues!

Tell me what you think!

2009-02-12T06:28:00.000-08:00

Okay - the decisions about my previous post are plaguing me. HELP! Is this the right time to do this? Will my children have more benefits or more suffering? With this economy should we just stay put? Thoughts people, give me your thoughts!

If the stars align....

2009-02-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

We might be moving. Capitalize 'MIGHT'. Dan and I went to our cabin last weekend - just a quick night away for our anniversary. The girls are in a production and all the insanity of it comes to a head starting today so we decided on an early get away. We took a drive on our way home and found what could be our dream house - what my mom would call a "toes up" up house because they will take us out of there toes up. :-) It has the porch I've always wanted and views from every angle. Open space as far as the eye can see. We haven't actually seen the inside yet - that's scheduled for next week - but the pictures are divine. A kitchen that is open, airy and gorgeous- granite counter tops, custom cherry cabinets, a Thermador 5 burner cook top, double ovens, built-in refrigerator, a Dacor warming drawer.....

The home has a geothermal exchange heating and cooling system oh and it sits on 1.1 acre......

The draw backs- it is 47 miles from Reno. It is in California which - no offense to my dear California friends - is fricking falling apart. The town it is in has around 800 people. (That's not a typo - only two zeros.) The high school as around 150 students - the middle school in the 80's I think. This could be a plus or a negative depending on who you ask. Dan would have to commute. My parents are trying to move to Reno - only to have us move away.... (but we would be close - and the house is over 3,000 sq. feet and one story so they could even move in with us if need be.)

Other positives - the girls would have the options of all the California colleges with out the need to pay out of state tuition. We could have the enormous garden we've dreamed about - the girls could have a horse. Maybe they would join 4-H? When Dan goes hunting, my book-club girl friends can come spend the weekend! It's close enough that I can drive the girls back for any events they don't want to miss......

This is a huge decision and the stars would have to align - we'd have to sell our house, the owners of our dream home would have to take a lower offer, the schools will have to look like we want our girls there....

Dan and I figure we do it now - or we wait 5 or 6 years when the girls are gone and move there to retire on our own......

Decisions, decisions......

15 years

2009-02-05T07:36:00.001-08:00

One week from today, Dan and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage.

15 years!

Filled with more love than I could have ever imagined,

more laughter than should be humanly possible,

uninhibited passion,

some tears,

joy,

contentment,

more laughter,

more love,

Genuine Bliss.

Less cranky

2009-02-01T07:57:00.000-08:00

A friend told me yesterday that I've been angry a lot lately. I took that to heart. I have been cranky. I'm guessing it's the food thing. I totally use food for comfort, and I don't have that right now. Plus, my daughters are involved in a production that we've been rehearsing for since September - every weekend. (With the exception of a few holiday weekends) The show is in a couple of weeks so now the rehearsals are more intense and tiring. I open and close the rehearsal space so take on more of the stress than necessary. Those two things combined with no money and the economy falling apart have made it harder for me to find that positive space I usually want to hang out in.

I'm making a concentrated effort though, starting today. Hives or no hives, yummy food or no yummy food, money or no money - I have lots for which to be grateful. Including good friends who tell me I've been angry a lot. :-)

Responsibility Accountablity Volunteering Commitment

2009-01-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

Okay - I know I tend to be a little anal about organization, being on time, commitment. I also know I can't expect others to be as anal. So why then do I get so disappointed when people don't? Is it because I then feel put upon? Does it really matter in the infinite scheme of things?
I'm sure I have let people down before - knowingly or unknowingly.

I need to remember, I can't control other people's behavior - just how I react to it.......

Still, why do so many people think that a commitment - paid, volunteer or otherwise - can be met partially rather than completely? Obviously there are some good reasons not to fulfill a commitment - unforeseen circumstances etc. But just because they don't want to?

Ugh! Let it go Troy, just let it go.....

So true!

2009-01-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

Read this on a little desk calendar that a good friend gave me. It's sooooo true and very fitting in my week as an educator:

"What the vast majority of American children need is to stop being pampered, stop being indulged, stop being chauffeured and stop being catered to." Ann Landers

Equally fitting, "I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it." Dame Edith Sitwell

And lastly - with my current eating rules, "Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff beings to look good. " Beth McColluster

Hive Issue-Solution?

2009-01-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

So, I've had this hive issue for just about two years. It started in March of 07 - while we were in Disneyland. (A trip to the emergency room in a cab - scary place - IV of benadryl - epi shot - ick!) It took several months of hives every day to discover that I was reacting to any drop in body temperature. If it gets really cold - I get covered, swollen and itch like I'm swarming in lice.

I've been to many doctors about it - most who made an effort to figure things out then said, Yep, this happens to people sometimes, maybe it will go away eventually." (I'm paraphrasing of course) So, I have spend a lot of time just figuring out how to live with it - even though it has been life changing. Our family vacation to the coast was cancelled last year because the year before I was covered in hives the entire trip. Walking is my favorite thing to do - and I can't do that for several months of the year - stuff like that. Even exercising is difficult because when I sweat, it cools my skin and I break out in hives.

Now, this all being said, I remind myself constantly that so many people have so much worse to deal with. I feel guilty when I feel sorry for myself because I'm not dieing or incapacitated, I'm not really in pain, or intensely suffering. I do put things in perspective. But man, is it frustrating!

So I decided to try a doctor who mixes western and eastern medicine to see what he would have to say. Well holy cow - this guy is DETERMINED to get me well. We've tried many things - tested several theories but the most recent one has me feeling very hopeful. He discovered that my body is very overrun with yeast. I've heard about this before - my friend Kelle from college had a candida issue and I even talked to her about this not that long ago. What I didn't realize was the range of symptoms that a person can have from this. They start out mild and then as yeast builds up over time, they can get very extreme - like to the point of extreme sensitivity to everything - including cold! Rashes, hives etc.

From what I have read, the symptoms start out small, maybe a vaginal yeast infection like many women get. Heartburn, digestive problems, headaches, bloating, excess gas... then fairly constant vaginal and anal itching to extreme sensitivity. I guess if it goes further it can be pretty debilitating. I'm sharing all this because it is very hard to diagnose but fairly common in women. They have all these issues that they think are separate things but the reality is they are all tied together.

So what is done to fix this? Looking on line there are many theories. What my doctor and I are doing is a combination of diet, a pill that kills yeast in the gut, and liver detox. The diet is the killer - but I'm getting used to it. Basically I can eat lean meat and veggies. My only beverage is water. Ironically, no sugar isn't my biggest challenge - it's not CHEESE! I LOVE cheese! I also can't have coffee,dried herb teas or alcohol. I've made it 9 days so far and other than the occasional caffeine withdrawal headache - I've done pretty well. The wonderful side effect is weight loss.

It has also made me look at my relationship with food. I use food to distract, comfort, celebrate - now I am learning to find other ways to do that. (Not easily, but I'm working on it.)

I don't know if this will be the answer - but it certainly can't hurt! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Check out this song and video

2009-01-19T19:36:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PRjQrXvZd8

You can also watch the singers perform this song on Oprah.com

What path to take?

2009-01-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

HOPE - YES WE CAN- TOGETHER WE CAN - Right?....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY (This is old, but worth watching to get in the spirit)
Tomorrow is the big day - Obama is being sworn in. I have such feelings of hope about his presidency - not necessarily for the economy (though I know he will make great strides there) but for our country, for peace, for our relationships with the rest of the world.... Hope is a good thing. Feeling positive is a good thing.

But I'm struggling with the economy issue. I really get that we've been spoiled. I feel very grateful for what Dan and I have in our lives - and while there are material things on that list, none can compare to how grateful I am for our daughters, our extended family (yes, even my mother-in-law) every one's health and the strength of our marriage. I run worst-case scenarios through my head all the time - we lose everything, what would we do? While this creates a tiny bit of panic, somewhere in my consciousness I know we will survive no matter what.

So what path do we take - do we all panic? Quit spending on anything but the absolute essentials - save every other dime we can and huddle up to see what happens? Do we have faith that all will be fine and keep on keepin' on? I'm sure the answer is somewhere in between - but it's a difficult tight rope to walk....

We're learning to tighten our belts, to shop more wisely, to curb discretionary spending, to really weigh if an expense is "worth it." I've said this before - this is all very equalizing - there are very few who are not being or are going to be affected. I want it to bring us together. Not just my family and friends, not just our community, but our nation.

Okay - good thing I'm working tomorrow - too much time to think the last few days. On a less global note - two teenage girls in one house may be the death of me! :-) They are such good kids but man can they test my patience and maturity.

Small World

2009-01-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

Got an email this morning from a college friend. (The one who got me blogging and one of my only readers - Hi Tricia!) She was having coffee with someone, they were discussing HER blog and my name came up because I comment on hers occasionally. One of the women there remembered my name from my working for her parents in college. Shuberts is my all time favorite ice cream and candy store. I worked there all through college. It turns out that this gal is running the business now because her mother passed away in 2007.

When I read Tricia's email, my memories were foggy. "What were their names? Didn't one brother buy the other one out? Who was that girl I worked with?...." I started to panic a little about aging and the memories that not only fade but just disappear. To my great relief, as I sat back and thought for a bit, the memories came back into focus.

Then the small world part of all of this started to sink in. What are the chances? I guess they are smaller now that my friend lives back in the town where we went to college, but still.... of all the people there now - they happen to be having coffee, my name happened to come up because I comment on a blog and wha la! - a connection is made. Talk about seven degrees of separation! It's wild.

Okay, off to the doctor to keep pondering the hive situation. Here's a question for my spiritually enlightened friends - if I'm supposed to not worry about how this came about but rather just let it go and trust that my body knows how to heal itself... am I being counter productive working with this Eastern Medicine doctor? Hmmmmmm........

Turning off my Brain

2009-01-14T06:06:00.000-08:00

So much buzzing around in my head.

One thought leads to another, then another and so on, and so on.... (Isn't that a shampoo commercial?)

I just want my mind to float rather than race. Sort of like rafting on the Truckee River through Tahoe City rather than a class 4 rapid in one of those big Oregon rivers.

Is there a way to live that way and not appear to have been given a lobotomy?

Grateful

2009-01-08T06:35:00.000-08:00

It's 2009! I'm 8 days into it and still feel a little dazed. I hate to be a cliche, but you can't but feel renewed when a new year begins. I've blogged before about being grateful but it's so easy to forget to be grateful every day. It's easier to find things to be upset about, things that tick you off and frustrate you. That's a comfortable place to be - the challenge is to get up and out of that comfortable place.

I just finished reading a blog about this courageous and amazing teenager named Kristin. I've known this family for many years. Her younger brother has gone all through elementary school with my younger daughter and I was his 4th grade teacher. Our families didn't socialize, but we always say hello in the halls and have a friendly relationship. A year ago, Kristin was diagnosed with cancer. Her mom has been blogging for a while, keeping everyone posted about her progress. She is currently in maintenance and struggling to keep her health and strength up. In this morning's post, Kristin's mom talked about a cough that Kristin has and how she hopes it doesn't turn into anything worse. This was a HUGE wake up moment for me. You see, when I sat down at my computer I was tired, frustrated and angry. Both my girls were up most of the night with a nasty cough. My husband slept through it all and I was the one up giving medicine, rubbing backs, propping up pillows..... Then I read Kristin's blog and I thanked God that I know my daughters' coughs will pass. I thanked God that I can rub their backs knowing their lungs will clear in a few days and they will be healthy again. Then I said a prayer for Kristin's mom.

So my friends reading this are thinking - "What's with all the God and prayer stuff?" I don't talk much about my relationship with God. Actually, most of the time I don't even call him/her God. I talk about spirituality and a "greater good" or even a "higher power," but rarely "God." I think that is because I have always equated "God" with organized religion. It's taken me 42 years (almost 43) to come to a point where I can talk about prayer and taking comfort in knowing I'm not alone - and feel good about that. Actually, I take great comfort in that - Not in a way that erases my responsibility to myself and my life, but in a way that a deep breath relaxes me.

I don't really have any new year's resolutions this year. I kind of feel like I come up with those weekly. :-) However - I do know it is going to be an amazing year - for all of us.

Oh - and another ray of light this morning - my parents have been married for 43 years today - something else for which to feel grateful.

HAPPY 2009!
If you want to read more about Kristin - her blog is: www.kristinkatich.blogspot.com

Survival!

2008-12-29T08:11:00.000-08:00

We are home and the holidays are over - phew! I survived this visit with only a little evil spoken. I did lose my temper at one point - it was in defense of my children. Those with children will understand that "mama bear" instinct that comes out.

Otherwise, I mostly avoided any contact, and watched my girls enjoy their cousins. They played the Wii Rock Band and laughed until they had tears streaming down their faces. It was so fun to watch them.

Dan and I took a walk in Los Gatos and had about an hour of "normalcy." We talked about the people we saw walking and wondered what they went home to for the holidays. Did they look forward to it? Was it out of obligation or joy?

Sooo, I wasn't perfect - if Santa was watching I would guess I'm teetering a fine line somewhere between naughty and nice.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

2008-12-25T08:02:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS, OR WHATEVER HOLIDAY YOU CELEBRATE THIS TIME OF YEAR. MAY YOU EXPERIENCE PEACE, CONTENTMENT,JOY AND LOVE IN 2009.

Speak No Evil

2008-12-23T20:36:00.001-08:00

Those of you who know me, know I had a rough go with my mother-in-law on my birthday in July. I have spoken to her only once since. I have encouraged my husband and children to have a positive and productive relationship with her but I have removed myself from the equation. Soooo, here come the holidays. It is our usual course of action to go to her house sometime after Christmas during the school break. Our plan is to this year the day after Christmas. I thought about not going, just sending Dan and the girls. Dan asked me to go, the girls begged me to go, so I decided to go for them. Then we got a card in the mail from her and along with lots of other stuff, it said, "and Troy, thank you for the best present of all, your presence." Now, from the outside looking in, that's kind of sweet. From my perspective and knowing her like I do, it's a condescending dig.

The woman is over 80 years old. The signs she is losing her mind have been apparent for all the years I have known her. I still harbor a great deal of hurt and anger but the only one it's hurting is me. There is no satisfaction in it. She isn't affected by it at all. So I need to let it go, but how do I do that I keep my pride? How do I go down there and smile and be there for the girls and Dan and speak no evil? I need to - I know it will serve no purpose to say or do anything about this. I'm grinding my teeth already. This will be a real lesson for me. Can I be the person I wish I was? Can I fake it until I make it?

For now, I will just pray for snow so I can put it off a little longer.

The Vacation Begins

2008-12-19T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today was the last day of school before our two week break. The students were excited, the teachers were excited - the energy was high. I just went in to see the kids and be there for the class party. I love how energized they are and how ready they are for the holiday.

I was tired though. My parents watched the kids and Dan and I stayed in this amazing room at a local casino. They had this incredible week night deal making it affordable. It was so nice to have that time. I don't think we've had a night away since July. I know - for many people it's once a year if that - but it's always our goal to spend several nights a year by ourselves. We drank, ate, gambled, laughed, talked and had a really special time.
Our friend sent us champagne and chocolate covered strawberries- it was just the touch to help the night feel special and decadent. I got to the room about two hours before Dan could meet me. I filled this enormous jetted tub with hot, bubbly water. I turned the equally enormous flat screen tv (that is IN the bathroom) to the soaps I haven't watched in forever and climbed in. It was so relaxing and over the top. Seriously - a bath - who has time for that?

It was one of those nights when your forget there's an economy problem, you forget about stresses of work and family and just escape to another world. We felt so far away and we were only ten minutes from home.

In other news:
I had an interesting exchange with one of B's teachers at middle school. I received an email from her that blew me away. I can't imagine EVER talking to a parent the way she spoke to me. I got right down to her level and sent an equally nasty email back. I was fuming! I should have counted to ten and taken a deep breath before I clicked "send" but I didn't. It's all fine now, I went in to see her and though the resolution wasn't very satisfactory, the anger dissolved. It made me think about how anger can take over and make usually positive people snap. Then it is fed and grows until it almost feels good to be so angry. Interesting to think about....

Alrighty, I'm planning on riding the high I have now right on through the holidays. Exhausted, happy, content.....

Have a wonderful holiday season! (Catherine, Lisa and sometimes Elizabeth and Tricia - my only readers! :-) Hugs to you!)

Finding the positives

2008-12-10T20:23:00.001-08:00

Working hard to find the positives right now. It shouldn't be difficult because there are many. Have you ever noticed though how easy it is to wallow in the negative? That negative energy just feeds off itself and multiplies. I've been there for a few days. Frustrated with a student at school and the system that is perpetuating the problem - whining to my peers who understand my frustration and by doing so, feed my need to be negative. (They are trying to be supportive - I'm just taking it where I want it to go.)

I'm worried about the economy - Dan's hours and salary are being cut. We'll be fine - mostly luxuries to be hacked - but a bummer none the less.
And really, that's it. Frustration at work and worries over money. If I were to list all the reasons to feel positive - the blog would over load. Yet here I wallow any way.

Then I got an email from a friend who didn't really know the extent of my wallowing but knew I was getting deeper. All it said was to look for positive aspects in every experience. That turned a light switch for me. My emotions are within my control. Many other things are not - but those are. I can reach for a positive thought that will lead to a positive feeling. I can do that. That's empowering.

Now, I just need to remember to do it! :-)

All is good

2008-12-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

Dad got an "all clear." No cancer. Retest in 6 months. HUGE relief.

Family and all that

2008-12-01T06:03:00.000-08:00

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. I brought a couple of pounds and a cold home with me. We went to my brother's home, had fun eating, talking, laughing.... all the usual for our family.

Dan, the girls, my mom, my sister-in-law and I all did the 5:00AM Black Friday shopping event. I was hard pressed to find signs of the recession at the Roseville Galleria. There were sooooo many cars and people - most with arms full of bags. We made took care of a lot our gifts - but we're scaling way down this year, so this wasn't a huge task.

When we got home, the girls, Dan and I decorated the Christmas tree then pulled out a bunch of our old holiday videos to view and reminisce (sp?) about our Christmases past. They girls love watching scenes from their childhood - we all laughed so hard remembering some of those times. We have a "giggle video" that we love to watch over and over. B is about 21 months and K is about a month old. They are just out of the bath and in undies and diapers. B keeps touching K's belly button and K lets out this high pitched happy yell that sends B into a fit of giggles. They do this over and over. We've seen it a million times and still laugh hysterically every time we see it.

These videos remind me what a great family I have. Nothing is perfect and there are days I want to get in my car and just drive - see where the road takes me. However, most moments are good moments. We watch too much T.V., fight occasionally, eat out a few too many times a month, eat some non-organic processed foods and many other things that people from the outside looking in might judge as bad parenting, but we have two fabulous children. They do well in school, clean their own rooms, make their own lunches, do their own laundry, have amazing senses of humor and even more amazing warm hearts. They are good human beings and growing more incredible by the day.

In other daily news.....

We should hear today or tomorrow about my dad's biopsy results. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

I get in to see a homeopathic doctor who practices both Eastern and Western medicine on Thursday. Keep your fingers crossed that my hives will disappear and the this two year journey of hives from cold will end.

I'm thinking of going back to school.....shhhhh.... I haven't told anyone yet. :-)

If you read my blog, will you email or comment? treinhardt@washoe.k12.nv.us

Have a great day!

To fish or not to fish....

2008-11-21T13:23:00.000-08:00

This was sent to me via an email forward today. I forwarded it to my husband - his reply? "Don't worry, I'll make a lot of noise if I come home early." Do you think he missed the point?

"Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'I still don't know to this day if shewas joking, but I have stopped fishing."

2008-11-04T21:25:00.001-08:00

YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Today's the Day

2008-11-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

For some of you - that means the day the election is over. For me, it's my new thought pattern. "Today's the day." So sappy, I know, but what better way to seize each day than going into it thinking - this is the day - THIS day is the day that good things happen. Maybe it will the same good things, maybe it will be different good things - but TODAY good things will happen.

Maybe today I will talk to someone who makes me smile. Maybe today I will skip the candy and eat the carrot. Maybe today.... oh you know, the list can go on and on - but I know for sure that today is the day. Something good WILL happen today.

So I've been trying to meditate every day. I skip a day here and there - but most days I take 5-10 minutes and I sit - very quietly, listen to my breathing, try to let go, try to clear my mind. Sometimes it's interrupted by the desperate need to borrow a straightener, or find a sock, or to tattle on a sister.... but for the most part they (my daughters) are old enough to respect my need to do this and leave me alone for just a bit.

Things in their world are so immediate - I thought that would change as they got older - and it does, sort of. But still, as generous and warm hearted as they are - and they are - when they want something, they want it NOW. Patience is so difficult for them. If my mom is reading this, I'm sure she is laughing because she always told me that I wanted everything yesterday! If I'm honest with myself, I would admit that that is still the case. Funny how our personalities come to haunt us through our children.

One last election comment - since today IS the day we vote in our new president. Obama is an amazing human. He will lead this country to good places. I feel in my heart that he will win, but if I'm wrong, I just pray we come together as humans - not citizens but as humans. We need to lift each other up..... who ever our president is.

What a weekend!

2008-10-26T07:13:00.001-07:00

The weekend isn't over, it's only Sunday morning. EARLY Sunday morning. We started this weekend by agreeing to "help" paint B&K's rooms. B, of course, chose to paint each wall a different neon color. K chose a light brown paint for all the walls and large,chocolate brown circles on top. Dan and I figured that it is paint, it can be painted over and it's an opportunity for them to express themselves. Someday they may be asking for purple hair, piercings or tattoos - for today I'll give in to the paint. We started early Saturday and took a break to go to K's last soccer game for this season. It was warm, sunny and gorgeous out. They won their game then it was right back to painting.

Both girls had birthday parties to attend that afternoon so we didn't finish. I was covered in paint and rushed them off to their separate events. Dan and I had a nice dinner out then collapsed on the couch in exhaustion. It seemed like such a simple idea - but now the office is overflowing with all their "stuff", they had to sleep in the guest room and the ladders, paint brushes and rollers sit waiting for me today.

Dan left early this morning to go hunting. He took our pup, Woody with him. Wally, our older English setter (He's 4) has to stay home now because he has seizures when he hunts. This is all fine and good, but even though he's been debarked, he has spent all morning (since Dan left at 4:30 - yes - 4 fricking 30) doing his "silent" bark. We had him de-barked because nothing worked to stop him from barking. Now when he "barks" it sounds like a seal with laryngitis.
It doesn't bother our neighbors, but it makes me insane.

My schedule for today? Finish an article that is due in a couple of days. Finish grading papers because Friday was the end of the grading period. Go to school, lesson plan and work on report cards. Grocery shopping needs to be done for the week. The girls have play practice in the afternoon, K needs to walk the neighbor's dog she gets paid to walk and oh yeah, I need to finish that darn painting!

Did you notice I didn't mention meditating? Ugh!

Meditating, elections etc.

2008-10-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

So I decided that if I want to figure out the whole mediating thing that I need to attempt it everyday. I've attempted it the last two days. I sat quietly for 10 minutes. I focused on my breathing, relaxed, tried to eliminate my resistance - so far no amazing contact with the spirit world - but it feels good. I'll keep trying - maybe my "fake it 'till you make it" attitude will bring me there. Time will tell....

I'm feeling so excited about Nov. 4. I voted early - felt so good to cast my vote for Obama. I don't just want it all over - I want to be cheering for Obama and celebrating his election to the presidency! It's going to feel so good.

Chick Night!

2008-10-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

Last night my book club friends (plus 1) came over for a "Chick Night". I need nights like this to remember why I love them all so much! Great food, lots of laughter, fantastic conversation....
It was a spur of the moment thing - but most everyone made it. The stars must have been aligned. I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.

I think we all have "sections" of our lives. We have family, we have work friends, we have friends from school either high school or college or both, book club friends, mom's group friends, hobbie or professional group friends.... I feel welcome and special in each group and cherish them all. But there are certain groups - the ones where you feel yourself start to relax and be yourself, the ones when you say things you probably wouldn't say anywhere else, the ones when laughter is more frequent and hugs abundant. That was my group last night.

It was a night of "I'm so happy right now" instead of "I'll be so happy when..."

My kids and Obama

2008-10-02T19:54:00.000-07:00

I forgot something very important - B and K got to see Obama here in Reno on Tuesday. My friend Renee took them. (I had to teach) They found it to be (and I quote) "inspiring" "awesome" "I got goose bumps" "There were sooooo many people!"

DEBATES!

2008-10-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ugh! I don't know about you, but these debates are making me want to throw a brick through my television screen! Obviously, as a supporter of the Obama/Biden ticket, I agree with most of what they have to say. However, both sides say the same thing over and over and over and over! Did you know Mcain is a maverick and Palin is part of the middle class? If you didn't before the debate, you should now because she said it 12 million times! (That might be an exaggeration - another happening in these debates.) Obama/Biden are just as guilty when it comes to repeating themselves. Change, change and more change. The last 8 years have sucked. Okay, we get it already. Will these debates make the undecided decide? I just don't know.
I do know that Palin scares the living crap out of me. Her God Bless the sick pack, gun toting American spiel(sp?) makes me want to hurl.

How do you guys feel about the bail out plan? I honestly don't know what to feel. I want my parents to have money left in their retirement and I fear the bail out may be the only way. I just don't know.

Okay, enough politics. Here are a few quotes or sayings that running through my head this week - things I think will point my thoughts and feelings in a more positive direction:

"I have two dogs fighting inside me all the time. The negative dog and the positive dog. The one that will win is the one I feed the most. " (This is adapted from an old Indian saying)
"I will feel so great when I figure this out."
"I am where I am right now."
"I am grateful."
"Pure intentions."

Let's wade our way through what's going on in our world and vibrate as much positive energy as we can......(I am well aware that my rant above is not espousing positive energy - I'm working on it!)

Another day

2008-09-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday and my day off. It's my long weekend week. I had yesterday off too. Yesterday I worked out then basically did nothing at all. I had a list - my forever long, never ending list - but only accomplished one thing on it. It was only a phone call, so I could do that from the recliner in which I had planted my butt. I think we all need these days occasionally. I think I take them a little too frequently and then feel the day has been wasted. It creates a vicious cycle.

I picked B up from school yesterday. I listened to the woes of being a middle school girl. Who is feeling left out of what, who called who a word that can only be spelled to mom - not repeated...
I don't know about you, but I have to stop myself from trying to fix everything. I have to do a mental check and keep myself listening, nodding, patting her hand..... I want to tell her all my experience with these things. I want to share how I too had these middle school moments but I came out the other side and look how amazing my life is now! :-) There are two problems with this approach - one is that right now she doesn't care, she's just bummed and wants to feel that way. The other - I'm not sure she's all that impressed with how my life has turned out! :-) Someday she'll look back and realize all that I juggle, all that I've accomplished. Right now she sees a mom who works a couple days a week, writes for some magazines sometimes and who drives her around. Some days that's all I see too - then I see what I've accomplished as a teacher, a writer, a mother, a wife.... I look at her, I look at K - I see what amazing young ladies they are and while they may have just been born that way - I think Dan and I can take some credit for how things are coming along. :-)

The things going on in a middle schooler's life seem so huge to them. We've been there, done that and we know life goes on. They don't. They are right here, right now - thinking life can't get any worse and will never change. I forget that sometimes. The issues my girls bring up seem so trivial to my adult mind and I forget how huge they are in theirs.

Today was a new day. B smiled on the way out the door and gave me a hug that said "thanks for being there" with out having to say the words. K is still getting ready for school but she handed me a letter she has to write me every week. It's a school assignment and I have to write her back every week. It's a great idea - I don't always like having homework too, but I like writing her and reading what she has to say. She wrote all about a cousin she is proud of - very cute. Then she wrote all about how she would have chosen me, but the reasons would have made the letter too long. (okay, let's hear the collective "ahhhhh....") Those hugs, those letters - they make the moments of rolling eyes, wet towels on the floor and bickering - all worth it.

Quick political note - Don't vote party lines - read all the facts, go to the candidate's websites, LEARN - educate yourself on what's really happening and what we're facing. The United States is swirling down the crapper - the only way this is going to change is we vote and speak up. I personally feel Obama is the only one who has a chance to turn things around. If we vote for McCain, the world is going to look at the U.S. and think - "here we go again..." This is just my opinion based on my values and beliefs. Obama's the man I want representing me. The great thing about living here is that we have a choice and we have the freedom to speak and believe what we want. Use your freedom and voice - VOTE!!!

I'm working very hard these days to remember to be grateful. It's the crazy time of the year when I get in function mode and don't take the time to breath and remember how incredibly grateful I am. (Some days it's just because I CAN breath. :-) ) Each morning I make a mental list - it helps me step out of bed with a smile instead of a groan. If I turn on the news, that mental list gets longer because I know there are so many people worrying about their retirement, their health insurance, the roof over their heads.... okay - stop me there or I'll start on politics again.

I'm reading another Kris Radish book - Annie Freeman's Traveling Funeral - it's a tear jerker but another one that makes me take a second to remember what's important in life....

Back Again

2008-09-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I've been busy getting back into the swing of school and work. I find so much comfort in routine. I like having my calendar out - seeing what's happening when, knowing what to expect. I dream about being spontaneous, foot loose and fancy free - but the reality is, I can only handle that in brief spurts.

There's no escaping the presidential election and since this is my blog - I'm going to vent about this. Anyone who knows me knows I'm an Obama fan through and through. I really like Joe Biden too, so it's clear where my vote is dedicated. I do have disappointments about how his adds are currently turning too negative. I don't mind a negative ad if it is tempered with information about how the candidate it supports can do better. Negative for the sake of negative just pisses me off.

I've been having debates with my trainer (yes, I go to a trainer - no it isn't obvious in my appearance, but it is in my strength and stamina. :-)) about who would be our next president. He is someone I respect as a trainer , but his views frighten me. I'm guessing mine frighten him so it all balances out. However, the things I hear from him, seem to be the general Republican view of "every man for himself" and that America is superior to all other countries. I agree that we need to work on a society that is filled with problem solvers and thinkers vs one that us filled with people who want to be taken care of - however, we are all human beings. This isn't a bleeding heart thought - it is reality. Oy, I'm starting to get angry just typing this. I have a problem articulating my thoughts when I get this frustrated.

This came up this morning because it is September 11th and my 6th grader was instructed to wear red white and blue today. She had lots of questions because she was so young when the twin towers were attacked. The point I really wanted her to understand is that we have an opportunity to create a future that will mean her children won't be reading about more violence in their history books. If we all made more effort to communicate, to see both sides of issues - even when we don't agree - maybe we could get to that place - REALLY GET THERE - where we all use our words instead of guns. Why is that so unrealistic?

I'm rambling and not making clear arguments. My heart aches for all the families who are missing their loved ones today - either because they lost them 7 years ago, or because they lost them recently or because they are away fighting the war - it was a sad and horrible tragedy.

Maybe the lesson we all need to remember today is the importance of enjoying each moment, telling the people we love how we feel, no wasting energy on fear or anger. Let's not focus or perpetuate fear - let's celebrate life and each moment well lived......

School's in session and WHOLLY COW!

2008-08-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, life is back in full swing. Met my 28 4th graders today and honestly love them all. It think it's going to be a great year. It's been good being back with my peers, talking about our summers and having that adult time I used to miss when I stayed home. I do have to take time to remember all the things I practiced this summer - stay positive, stay in the moment, only say the kind words..... I don't know who said this - I'm sure someone out there will know - "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."

Okay on that note - Wholly crap! Just when I think no one is reading my blog, I get a comment on it from my new idol - Kris Radish. To all my children's book author friends - please do not feel slighted. Knowing you, learning from you, reading your books - all have enriched my life. I brag about you all daily in my classroom and try to make myself more important by sharing that I know you. :-) I guess the difference here is just the immediate connection I felt with the writing - the characters, the situations. I've been inspired to work hard on my female friendships. They have always been important to me and I think we are all there for each other when needed - but as I've said in previous blogs and to many of you in person - I'd like us to MAKE time for each other. We need to make these relationships a priority.

Alright, I already have papers to correct and lessons to plan. The girls both have homework to be checked and papers to be signed - oh and of course checks to be written.

Oh, but before I forget, Dan and I had an amazing weekend in Tahoe listening to Toot, James Blunt and Cheryl Crow - it was the perfect end to the summer.

Find your bliss!

Email from Kris Radish!!!

2008-08-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Okay - I'm soooooooo excited! I went to Kris Radish's website to comment on how much I enjoy her books. She sent me an email! It's like hearing from a movie star! Too cool.....

Title to describe your summer

2008-08-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

My boss has asked me to come up with a song or book title that represents my summer. I've thought of many - most of them inappropriate. :-) So give me some ideas - tell me what book or song title YOU would pick to represent your summer......

Ready, Set, GO!

2008-08-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

This is my last weekend of summer. Here come the routines, schedules, commitments.....I'm looking forward to it though. I had a fabulous summer - one for which I am incredibly grateful. It was actually one of the best summers in recent memory. Ironically, we had no big vacations, no life altering events, just relaxing, quality time together. I'm sure it's a combination of things - older kids, the cabin, good health....whatever the reasons, I'm starting this school year feeling on top of my game.

The girls and I went in and got new hair dos today. Kate trimmed her long, straight, gorgeous locks, Bailie cut off quite a bit of length and her naturally curly hair looks amazing. I chopped all my hair off and colored it quite dark. (well, I didn't cut it off - fortunately, my very talented friend and long time hairdresser did the cutting.) I feel refreshed, funky, sort of reborn. I'm not sure how good I look, but it was a change I needed.

These books I've been reading, by Kris Radish, have me missing my girl friends. We've all been busy with our families this summer and all the other obligations of life. I want to make you all my priority. Family is important, but these kids grow up and move out. I want to keep building and deepening my female friendships. Husbands are great too, but sometimes, a woman is the only one who understands.

Okay, I have to get back to watching the Olympics - so motivating. I will dream about being that physically fit while I eat my ice cream. :-)

Bucket lists

2008-08-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

I went to a funeral on Friday - it was for the parent of one of my students from this last school year. The funeral was very nice and I have to admit, seeing my student light up when he saw that I was there, made it worth going - even though I, like everyone I would imagine, hate going to funerals.
I did come up with a few rules about my own funeral after attending this and many other funerals over the years.
First of all, I want my family to do whatever brings them comfort. I'm not particularly religious, but if it brings my family comfort to have a funeral in a church - go for it. I'll be dead - so you won't hear many objections from me. However, I do have a few suggestions. If you feel the need to have a religious ceremony - no mass! It takes forever! If people are going to eulogize me, tell stories that make people smile and have fond memories - not stories that will make people blush (or me from the grave) or uncomfortable. Spend time celebrating, remembering not "mourning." Again though, I'll be dead, so do what you need to do.

My "to do" list still sits undone, but tomorrow is a new day and I plan to tackle it head on. My goal is to have it all done by Wednesday - but check back with me, chances are it won't be. :-)

I made a "bucket list" today - yes, inspired by the movie - and to my surprise, it wasn't that long. There are places I want to see and things I want to do - but I don't have this great longing to experience things I've yet to experience. I feel really fortunate to have seen and done all that I have so far. Sure, there is more to see or do - but if I don't do or see them before I die will I die less happy? I don't think so. Just to give you a small insight into my list - a few things on it were:
Experience Alaska, Drive a semi, Eat only dessert for a whole week, spend a whole day naked, See Brazil and Mexico, see a play in New York, see Maine, be my daughters' best friend (later, not now), be as happy everyday to wake up next to Dan as I am now.......

Do you have a bucket list? What's on it?

Onward and Upward

2008-07-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

So here's the good and the bad about blogging. The good is the opportunity to write and share. The bad is the pressure to keep it up. My parents have been here for two weeks and getting back into real life has been a struggle - so those are my excuses - accept them or don't. :-)

I have a pile of "to-do's" waiting for me on my desk. I got my work out in this morning with my Nazi trainer. Actually, that's not fair - he works me hard but he's extremely patient with my moaning and groaning. If he could just go home with me and keep me from eating - that's not too much to ask is it?

I have an article due for Family Pulse Magazine. I did tell them I was not longer going to write for them - but they asked me to do an essay from a teacher's perspective about my ideal parent of a student in my room. No research necessary for that - so it's doable for me. Of course, when I said yes, I had nothing else on my plate. The same day, two books arrived from Foreword Magazine with a request for me to write reviews. Okay - two writing projects, I can do that. Then last night I attend a production team meeting for the next Sierra School of Performing Art's sponsored - Broadway Bits. I already said no to being the production manager for this - I realized that with school starting and Dan's strong objection to the idea - it would be too much to handle. THANK GOODNESS I said no. Not because I wouldn't love working with my treasured friend Janet, but because it is a HUGE load of work. Just being on the committee, I now have a list of forms to produce that is longer than my arm and I need to call a school to set up rehearsal times. Not huge responsibilities in and of themselves, but with all the other things now being thrown my way - it feels like a lot.

That leads me to my problem with saying, "I'll do it." It sounds so cliche to have a problem with saying no, but often times I do. I know it is totally my ego. I feel so proud to be needed (ick!) and my ego explodes when I hear I'm the best one for the job. Am I a sucker or what? With working, the girls' schedules and my desperate need to have mandatory family time - there just isn't enough time in the day for me to keep saying yes. I keep hearing that I should add mediating into my life by doing it just one minute a day. Would it count if I did that while sitting on the toilet - because that may be my only opportunity after August 20th!

I had lots of emails about my post regarding my angst causing phone call on my birthday. I have no problem now saying the call was from my mother in law. The details aren't important and it was more about the proverbial straw breaking the proverbial camel's back than anything else. As it stands right now, I've kept my mouth shut. I heard a saying that when there starts to be a defense, it is the start of a war. I think that's true. Protecting myself is different than defending. I won't allow myself to be the brunt of anymore of her insane tantrums, but I also won't waste my time defending myself - she won't hear it and it will only add fuel to a fire that is down to a smolder. My children and husband are welcome and encouraged to have any relationship they choose to have with her - I am just no longer a part of that picture. For years I worried about being the bad daughter in-law - I'm over it! :-)

Alright, my "to do" list is still waiting. I'm looking forward to coffee with two friend this morning who feed my soul and who have been absent from my daily life for too many weeks. THEN, I will start on my list. :-)

Drama and Tears and Angst Oh My!

2008-07-24T06:42:00.001-07:00

So I started this post yesterday then deleted it. I was afraid I would create more drama with it. Then I realized two things - first, hardly anyone reads this blog anyway :-) and 2nd, I created this blog as a place to communicate with family and friends. So, drama or no drama - here's what's going on.

First of all - super birthday surprises from my parents, children and husband. Fabulous gifts, loving poems - great food! My dad made my very favorite banana creme pie - yum! It was great to have my parents here for my birthday - I love my birthday and being the center of attention for the day. :-) Who better to create that for me than the two who are responsible for my birth? Dan has heard complaint after complaint each year because I set the bar very high for my birthday - poor guy. This year he really came through though! I don't think he can top asking me to marry him and finding out I was pregnant with our first child - but concert tickets came close! :-)

The drama, tears and angst came in the form of a hurtful, manipulative and unnecessary "birthday" phone call early in the day. I'm at a complete loss at how to handle this. My enlightened friends would tell me this is happening as a lesson for me - as a way to learn and grow. They would also tell me I somehow brought this into my life with my vibrations. I suppose the latter could be true - sort of a be careful what you wish for type situation. I like to be the center of attention on my birthday - next year I need to be more careful about how I vibrate that. :-) Those friends would also tell me I need to put my ego aside and handle it for that moment - not for all the moments before that this same person made me crazy. OY! I know this the way it should be handled. I need to focus on my own reactions - I can't control anything else.

However, the ego in me is strong today. I want to yell, scream, shout, defend myself and shoot below the belt to hurt back. This is all of course, what this person wants. More drama, more reason to call attention to her own need to feed her ego. I also need to consider how my reaction may affect my children and my husband. Is my ego's need more important than the possible fall out?

In the end, I know this blog will be as far as my venting goes. I won't become a punching bag and if the situation were to pass my way again - I will speak louder than I did this time. I will end the conversation and the drama. The reality is, as much as I love drama and being the center of attention - I want it in a way that makes me feel good inside and about who I am as a person, mother, wife, daughter, writer, teacher - human being.

I SOOOOOO appreciate the patience of any of you who read through this whole diatribe. Today is a new day - this too shall pass - and all that crap! :-) It could be worse right? It could be raining.......

Age/favorite birthday gift/define happy

2008-07-22T21:59:00.001-07:00

Well, tomorrow I turn 42. It seems like such a strange number to be. There are a lot of ages that create a picture in your mind's eye. 20 makes you think young, care free, with the whole world ahead of you. 30 creates a vision of settling down, career in order... you get the idea. What does 42 look like? I just can't see it - especially when I look in the mirror. Don't get me wrong , I'm not one of those perpetually 39 kind of people. I don't fear aging. Frankly, I see it as much better than the alternative. (not aging - DEATH) I also see each year as a notch in the self esteem belt. I'm not sure if I'm feeling better about myself or caring less what others think - either would be positive I think.

However, I do start to wonder if I'm doing all I'm "supposed" to do. Am I living life as it should be lived? Who has the answer to that? I think "supposed to" and "should" are words to eliminate from the English language - along with GUILT! That's what I want for my birthday - can any of you gift that to me?

On a lighter and less self-indulgent note - I won $220.00 tonight! I went gambling with my parents while Dan and the girls worked on my birthday surprises for tomorrow. The best is that I won it on a PENNY machine! Too fun! (wait a minute- was that less self-indulgent or more?)

I'm wondering what you all feel is the best birthday gift you've ever received. I have a couple and they are corny. Dan proposed to me right before a birthday and I found out I was pregnant with Bailie at the next one. Those were pretty terrific gifts. The corniest though is my favorite gift is when people remember. The phone calls I receive from friends I haven't talked with in a long while (thank you Elizabeth and Tami!), cards in the mail, emails. I'm such a Leo - that attention makes my mane swell! :-) So when you have time, let me know what you think you're favorite birthday gift was....

You know what else I have been wondering - (lots of time on my hands!) how would you define "happy?"

Phew!

2008-07-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

Phew! The kids are back from camp and we are all back home. Leaving my home away from home was incredibly more difficult than I thought. I didn't realize how much I was living in the moment until it was time to go home. Over the 20 some days I was there, I didn't think about my "to do" list, I didn't open my calendar.... I just enjoyed it. If I'm honest with myself, I would admit that I do find comfort in my "to do" lists and calendar. I like knowing who needs to be where and when. HOWEVER, doing nothing does not suck! :-)

Before my parents arrived and before the girls came home, Dan and I did a 7 1/2 mile hike to Rock Lake. (Yes, to my friends who know me - I REALLY hiked seven AND a half miles!) It was a beautiful hike. Bailie back packed into the lake with her camp group - she carried a 20lb pack. I only carried my day pack with water, so I don't have the same bragging rights she has, but I must say, I was mighty proud of myself.

My parents arrived two days before we picked up the girls. We went out to dinner at this great spot - The Iron Door. Dan and I had already gone there and loved it, so we were excited to take my folks. It was a great dinner, followed by a short walk to an ancient cemetery in the town of Johnsville. (By Plumas/Eureka State Park) We walked around reading the headstones and made up stories about the lives they might have lived.

I don't think I mentioned in early posts that while I was having my alone time, I painted my kitchen. Dan HATED the color. He said it looked like I smeared a frog on the walls. When my parents came, they convinced me to do a second coat. We actually really like it now. It is VERY green, but it is kind of retro and cool.

On a short political note. My friend Mary and I had a friendly bet going about who would take the Democratic nomination. She and I went to college together and have known each other for more years than either of us would probably admit. She was a strong Hillary supporter while I was in the Obama camp. As you all know, I won the bet! I was quite thrilled to arrive home and find a SMALL box with Mary's return address waiting for me. Tucked inside was the smallest bottle of Patron tequila that she could find. :-) My favorite tequila was promptly opened and enjoyed with a toast to you dear Mary!

My parents, my brother and my nephew all joined us picking up the girls at camp. Then we had a great Saturday and Sunday with the whole group listening to camp stories and enjoying each other's company.

Oh, and before I forget, the girls had a fabulous time at camp. Kate let me know she would go again and "really didn't miss you that much." Bailie said she would go again but seemed pretty happy to be home.

Well, now that I am facing reality again, I feel a bit melancholy. I wonder if life would be as wonderful at the cabin if I were there full time? Wouldn't that then become real life and not be as good? Is it possible to create what I had there - here? While I ponder that, I'm back to tennis lessons, volleyball camps, play dates and planning for the new school year....... instead of being sad about that though, I'm going in feeling incredibly grateful that I had the opportunity to spend time alone, alone with my husband, and with my whole family - relaxed and happy.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

2008-07-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

Dan and I took the long, windy, steep cliffs with no railing, drive to La Porte and Little Grass Valley Reservoir yesterday. I decided that even if I never drive the road and even if it is a huge tax, I will vote to pay whatever tax it takes to put railings on all those types of roads! Anyway, I camped at Little Grass Valley all the time when I was little. It was so much fun to go back and see the camp grounds, visit the beach and the lake. Stuff I hadn't thought about in years came flooding back.

We wanted to check out La Porte - population 35 or something ridiculous like that. We stopped and ate at a little "deli" where they barbecued us some hamburgers on the front porch. Three guys sat at the bar and found many uses for the term "soms of bitches" while they bashed all liberal democrats and described the freakishly enormous cat fish they caught. Even if they'd had banjos it couldn't have been more back woods cliche. The burgers were great though! We skedaddled out of there with my Obama sticker on the back of my car and decided to take a different route home.

While we wound our way through the hills, we drove past towns I hadn't heard about or thought of in years. Then we came around a curve and there was WOODLEAF! The place I spent 6th grade outdoor education camp, where I went as a high school counselor for 6th grades and where I won the "Mud Momma" award at Young Life camp. It was great to see it. It was teeming with Young lifers so we didn't stop but the comfort of the memories was nice.

We finally found Hwy 49 and weaved our way back to Portola. We stopped in Downiville and had a milkshake. What a cute town that is!

We got home and sat on our deck with cocktail in hand and just sighed the sighs of grateful and content people. It was a great day exploring and remembering. Then to come back to our little (emphasis on little) slice of heaven to watch birds, chipmunks and deer among the pine trees - it doesn't get any better than this!

My adventure continues

2008-07-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

I've moved from solitude to couple time. I think it has been since before children that we have had so much time alone. Thanks to my parents and good friends, we have had get aways and time alone - but not for such an extended period of time. It has been great. We have eaten at restaurants up here that we've always talked about but in which we have never set foot. We have driven up roads just to see where they lead. We went to a "Solar Cook Off" in Taylorsville, CA. It is between Quincy and Lake Almanor. Thousands of people camp, cook with their solar cookers, listen to live bands, shop at the vendors selling tie die and jewelry... very few bras to be found, and I'm pretty sure if we searched the suitcases, the women did not own razors. We strolled around trying to look like we attend these things every weekend, but I have no doubt that people were pointing and whispering at the newbies who were faking it. Of course, there also seemed to be a lot of haze that wasn't just the smoke from the nearby fires, so maybe they didn't notice us at all. :-) It was an excellent people watching event and the music was great.

Speaking of music, we also went to the live music in the park that they have here on Friday nights. We got to watch and listen to Soljibe - a fabulous Reno band. They were great! As it got dark, all the kids were throwing glow necklaces in the air all around us - just missing the bats that were flying low...

I'm looking forward to checking the mail box to hear from the girls. Bailie writes a lot - Kate, not so much. I hope that means she's too busy having fun. I get this ache in my chest with missing them. I'm trying to focus on enjoying each moment of couple time - which I am certainly doing - but I get this occasional lost feeling - I compare it to what I hear people who have lost a limb feel - that phantom limb thing - it's like they are there but they're not. Okay - not the healthiest analogy - but you get what I mean. I'm looking forward to being able to wrap my arms around them.

Today we are heading to one of my old stomping grounds - I haven't been there since I was in high school (yes - a VERY long time ago!). We camped there when I was a kid. Little Grass Valley/LaPorte. We'll see where this journey takes us - we may find a road we haven't explored yet.

I'm reading a FABULOUS book - Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn - I don't know how it ends but as of right now, I would highly recommend it. It is written by Kris Radish - she also wrote The Elegant Gathering of White Snows. I'm sensing a theme of the strength of women and friendships. I would love to hear about other books with this theme if you know of any. (Another I read was Same Sweet Girls)

I feel like I'm in another world rather than just an hour from my normal life. I'm so grateful I have this time and space to experience this. I wish this for everyone.

Sad news

2008-07-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

I heard some sad news today. The father of a student of mine died yesterday. He had been battling ALS for sometime. Hard to imagine being 11 and losing your dad. My heart is breaking for him and his brother. So again, if you're inclined to pray or send out positive, comforting vibrations...
Oh, and my friend Ann's brother is home now. He seems to be doing really well....healing...

Economy Sermon

2008-07-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

Dan drove up last night and we enjoyed some lasagna that was supposed to be for book club and watched some DVDs of the Showtime series's - Weeds and Californication. We don't get Showtime but I had heard a lot about these series and since we don't get cable at all at the cabin - I thought it might be fun to watch these. They are very well written. The dialogue is witty, quick and sharp. They use the "F" word a little more than my liking - not that I don't partake in a little trashy mouth on occasion - it is just used as often as most of us may use the word "is".

I got a letter from my oldest from camp. It wasn't the cheeriest of letters. I wanted to drive to camp, scoop her up and let her know mommy would take care of everything. Fortunately, common sense prevailed and I only wrote her a long letter about finding the positives, the experience being what she makes it etc. It sounds like she and her younger sister are comforting each other a lot - which if that is the only thing that comes out of this camp, it is worth the money we paid. :-) They are so funny together - typical siblings. One minute they are laughing, sharing secrets - the next they are screaming and pulling hair. I'd love more of the first....

Yesterday I watched a gray squirrel work very hard to eat out of my bird feeder. This morning there are a zillion jays all around it. I have seen what we call the "cheeseburger bird" (because it's song sounds like "cheeeeese buurr g er" ) eating there - but those nasty, big, and mean jays tend to dominate. But guess what - on my way back from the mail box (it is several miles from my house) I saw ANOTHER TURKEY! It was hanging out with a couple of deer. I think someone may have put food out - a major no no - and they were all feasting together. Very trippy!

The smoke is pretty hideous yet again. But at least it cooled off quite a bit after sundown last night. It has been ridiculously hot - about 10 degrees cooler than the valley, but still too hot. No one up here has air conditioning - it is rarely needed - but man it would nice to have right now!

I met a lady who is trying to keep her book store open in the current economy. Her determination was inspiring. She focused on the positives - which is so important right now. We could all sit around complaining about the gas prices, and the domino affect that has on the rest of the prices - which believe me, I am feeling - but maybe this is our opportunity as a community, and country to count our blessings. If we vibrate gratefulness as a whole, things may turn around in spite of our current ignorant leader. :-) Plus, (I know, I'm getting preachy - but it's my blog, indulge me!) this is a chance to support each other and help where help is needed. Ask your neighbors if you can pick anything up at the store for them if you're going -save them the gas. Find those little ways to make the day better for someone you know who needs it. It all vibrates back to you......whatever you put out there, good or bad, it comes back to you.....

Okay, done with my sermon!

writer ramblings

2008-07-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

I was staring at the file on my computer labeled "writing stuff." I must have 50 or 60 files in that folder. Not to mention a stack of hard copy file folders will much of the same and some different. I have tons of brilliant beginnings. Some even have fairly good middles. Sadly, very few have endings. I came to the realization today that that has to do with my inability to stay in the moment. When I get an idea to write - I start off with gusto. Then, while my fingers type away, my mind starts to wander and think about how long this writing is going to take. My mind inevitably leaps then to how much I'll have to edit and re do when I finally do finish it. I get so completely overwhelmed by the whole and can't stay focused on just writing, right now and in the moment. Does that ever happen to any of you? Maybe in tasks other than writing? How often do we tell our children or did we hear from our mothers that if we spent more time doing and less time worrying about the doing, we'd already be done?

I'm sure once I'm finished with my Davis Lake sabbatical, I will be blogging less - so thanks for your patience with how many posts I have in just two days.

My book club isn't making it up here after all. I will miss the laughter and camaraderie, but maybe I'm supposed to have one more day to explore this "alone" time....

My friend Ann is sitting next to her brother, keeping him company in the hospital. If you're inclined to pray or send out good vibrations or whatever your beliefs - send some positive energy her way.

What a turkey looks like

2008-07-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

Not my turkey but this is what it looked like.....

Turkey sighting

2008-07-08T08:29:00.001-07:00

I took a long walk early this morning. I wanted to get my excercise while it was still cool out. I saw much of the usual, ground squirrels, chipmunks, lots of mountain jays (or is it Stellar jays?), and LBJ's (little brown jobber birds :-)). But, what I didn't expect was what I caught out of the corner of my eye - a turkey! There it was, just looking at me with the same shocked expression I must have been giving him (or her?) back. I didn't realize we had wild turkeys in this area - but sure enough, we do! I wish I had my phone at the ready to take a photo to share - I wasn't that quick.

meditating

2008-07-07T18:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, I tried to meditate and I just can't seem to get it. Any tips? I give up fairly quickly - maybe it's because I don't know what to expect so I just assume I'm doing it wrong. I figured being up here alone would be the perfect time to try it so then I could sort of figure it out for when I'm back in the chaos and try to do it again. Ugh...
It's cooling down here now, the sun is behind the trees and I'm on my deck enjoying the birds and the trees. We had much less smoke in the sky today - thank goodness. The heat has brought out every conceivable insect in the known world. I knew there were big spiders and ants out here - but wholly cow - there are what Dan identified as June bugs, horse flies, many different sizes and colors of moths, things that as kids we called mosquito eaters - but they must not be eating the mosquitoes because there are tons of those too!

My book club is joining me here on Thursday. I'm looking forward to the laughter and great conversation that always come out of our being together. Dan will arrive the next day and we will have a week together. I think it will be good to take the time to remember why we fell in love in the first place so that when the girls are grown and gone (already happening too quickly) we will still find comfort, laughter and joy together.

My parents will be here to join Dan and I at the end of that 2nd week and to pick up the girls at camp. Ahhh, camp. I hope Kate isn't having to use her inhaler too often with this smoke and I hope Bailie is relaxed and being her 13 year old amazing self. I hope Kate is laughing her infectious laugh and that both are making friends. I have to imagine all the good times to counteract my fear they are crying themselves to sleep. I guess that is a bit self aggrandizing - assuming they are missing me rather than lost in all the fun they are having. :-)

If you have any tips on mediating - please share - HELP! :-)

I finally did it!

2008-07-07T17:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it - finally. I've started blogging. My friends Tricia and Suzy inspired me to quit being a blog "lurker" and join the fun. My daughters are at camp for two weeks and I am enjoying some quiet time at my fabulous cabin near Lake Davis. Have you ever had a "be careful what you wish for.." experiences? I've been dreaming about this peace and quiet since last September when we signed the girls up for camp. Now, don't get me wrong, I was dreading dropping them off and have worried just about every second since driving away, but as you parents know - more than a couple of hours of alone time is quite rare. I woke this morning with no schedule, no place to be, no one to take care of, and for a moment, instead of nervana, I felt shear panic. What was I thinking? All this time by myself? How soon until I'm eating a half gallon of ice cream because no one is watching? I started doing the usual, I checked email, paid a few bills, did my breakfast dishes, started a load of laundry.... then it hit me. I'm in the woods, I'm by myself and I can do ANYTHING I want! Soooo, I went for a long walk and tried to focus on just that moment. That's my one of my newest goals, try to be in the moment more often than not.
This is not an easy task for me. Either I'm planning ahead or berating myself for something in the past.
Wow, now I really am rambling. I've realized a couple of things today. First, and really probably the most important, I like myself. I'm an okay person with whom to spend time alone. Whoda thunk it? The other is that I'm incredibly grateful to have this time. How lucky am I? How many people have the opportunity to spend two weeks in the mountains, at a cabin doing basically whatever they choose? I also realized - though this is not a new realization, just a reminder- I love my daughters and husband. I love the craziness of our lives, the daily, sometimes hourly challenges, and just being together. We all went to the fireworks in Graeagle the night before the girls went to camp. I listened and watched as my husband and daughters layed flat on their backs and giggled, whooped and hollared over each and every spectacular display in the sky. I wanted to bottle that moment. I over flowed with gratefulness - corny, but none the less true.
Okay, I think this is enough for today. It's cooling off outside and I want to take a stroll.
Oh, before I go - guess what my writer friends? I started back on my fiction today. I wrote for a couple of hours straight. It's been a long time..... I feel like I've come home again. I will keep it up, even when school starts again and I'm facing all those 4th grades. They've got to give me an idea or two - don't you think?